It’s just beyond me… Part VI

Chapter 3: Waking up.

Seventh Session.- I was really cold and my head was killing me. I couldn't open my eyes because the morning light that was pouring in through the window. I turned over in bed, ignoring the head that was booming inside in my head who kept nagging at me for drinking and smoking so much. Anyway, it seemed to shut up when I sworn that I would never drink again… I always say the same thing you know, but it never happens. Every time I go out partying I just go over the top.

The party was great, we sang and danced… and we drunk… a lot… too much.

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Everything was going great. I was enjoying being with my friends and being plain silly but it was at that moment that I saw him. There he was standing by the bar… he was always a cocky guy… I knew he had seen me go into the bar. And then I saw her. That skinny cow. She was just standing there next to him. I noticed he was all over her as soon as he saw me. He said he respected my decision… and he was off with the first flirt that said she would. How could she have done this to me?

"I need a drink."- I murmured, trying to keep my cool.
"Don't you think you've had enough?"- James asked drunkenly.

"No."- I called the waiter- "A large vodka, please."

I tried to look at them discretely. I was the stupidest person in the whole wide world, or, at least, I felt I was. Mi beliefs had made me loose the only man I had ever loved. I managed to convince myself that ending our relationship was best. After all he didn't deserve me and, in the long run, the fact he didn't understand my beliefs would always be a problem in the long run. But I knew that I was kidding myself and seeing them was killing me.

"Another one."- I murmured after emptying my glass in one gulp.

I was dizzy and the only thing that was clear was that I was really angry. There was a very enigmatic guy in the corner of the bar.

"Hello handsome."- I smiled, wobbling in my enormous high-heels. I looked great in my new dress and I knew it.

"Well, hello gorgeous."- He smiled drunkenly. He had been out partying for as long as I had.

I discreetly looked towards the bar. Yes, he was looking at me. Good.

And that was the last thing I could remember. Sweet, sweet revenge. I knew he had seen me and that he wasn't at all happy to see me with another guy. I couldn't help but laugh, even though my head hurt like mad. 

Yes, revenge is best served cold.

I couldn't tell the girls about this though. What time was it anyway? I looked for mobile. That was weird, there was a lot of stuff on the bedside table that was not mine. Just a second, that beside table was not mine… Oh.. My…Gawd.
It took me a few minutes to dare to open my eyes. The shock was so violent all I could do was be silent. There was a big hairy lump snoring next to me. My dizzy mind was could very vaguely identify him someone called Gerome.

I didn't know how to react. I was in shock, I got up without making a sound whilst taking a look at my surroundings. I didn't know how to react. gawd, I couldn't think straight, I just picked up my things and got out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. It we be a downright lie to tell you I was fully conscious of what was going on at that moment. I run down the ancient staircase and went to look for my car. I didn't look back to see where I was.
When I got to my car I opened the window and lit a cigarette. I know it's illegal and most definitely not a good idea in general to smoke while you're driving but I had just realised I had thrown all my beliefs out through the window due to jealousy and alcohol… I think my smoking was amply justified. I don't know why but for some reason I kept circling the area with the car, trying to find the exact spot where the events had taken place… but I couldn't find it. I started laughing like a lunatic… I was an idiot and I knew it. Everything I have ever criticised… a belief that had pulled me away from the love of my life…thrown out through the window… just like that. Destiny was mocking me because at end I had done it so much worse than anyone else. I was even worse than… her.
I stopped laughing and started crying. What had I done? No one should ever find out about that.  Never.

And that's it. So many years have gone by and you're the first person I've told. I didn't even tell my husband. And I really I don't know why I am telling you this… maybe because the secret has been killing me for years. Maybe because I can't stand the fact that I am a hypocrite or maybe it's because you're a wonderful therapist… I don't know…

Anyway, so now you know. I have improved with age… I have had a lovely family, I have loved and been loved and have basically try to live my life as well as I can. But that mark seems to be tattooed on my skin. It just keeps torturing me… that secret… Sometimes I think I'm just pathetic and other just plain disgusting. But I've managed to live with it because, after all, I was young, drunk and very stupid. Yes, if I could go back in time I would change it.

Anyway, I have to go, the session is over. Now you know about it. It's quite funny, actually… you know you remind me of the only other person who knows about this. And he probably isn't even conscious of what he knows! Destiny laughed at my pride… and I leaned not to judge anyone after that. I just hope that there aren't too many people that need to learn to be humble the hard way because it isn't funny…

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you doctor.

See you next week.