It’s just beyond me… Part XVII

Eighteenth session.-Hello doctor. Thank you. Sorry I could not come to our last session. I haven't been well, you see, my doctor had me under observation for several days. Oh, nothing serious, old agereally … people don't last forever, sooner or later you get tired of fighting time… and that's when an angel pays you a visit and smiles as it takes you by the hand and helps you cross over.

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No, I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid because I know that there is something on theother side. Yes, you can laugh if you like, but in this life you need to believe in something, you know. You can believe in something or believe that there is nothing, but it's all believing all the same because no one can prove anything one way or the other. So we all choosethe belief that provides us more comfort and the one that makes you happy to be alive.

I like to believe that there is something beyond death. And it comforts me, however foolish it may sound, to think that there is a higher being who understands the atrocities that I have done in my life and not judge me for it. Not like people, who judge and condemn, often without even knowing the victim of their firm and final judgement.

I've done terrible things in my life, many of which I chose not to remember and now I cannot recall.

But the truth is that until II was on the edge I didn't see the light.I forgot to be happy. I triedfor so many years to do things right, to fix my mistakes of the past to move on and I forgotto be happy.

I hurt so many people … some without even knowing it.

I closed my eyes and ran.

What I do not forgive myself for is what I did to my parents … At the time I thought I was doing them a favour, saving them from the disappointment and humiliation of seeing me like that … It would be obvious to their friends … Yes … And a stranger . .. My dealer.

I ran away, where and how does not matter, but I ran away. I ran into the void and months later ended up in anasty labour room surrounded by nurses whocondemned me with their eyes.

And all this suffering so that my son was born dead.

My soul was shattered to see that this secret, which had destroyed my family … that had ruined my life … had not even survived to join me for the rest of the way.

Do not feel sorry for me, as I said, I forgot to be happy.Fate always laughs at people who do not helpthemselves. And cruelly it teased me because I did nothing to try to smile every day, but I let the wave carry me.

It was a dark and depressing time. I was in places I'd rather not remember … living lies and hiding truths.

I went on, lost and without direction, until an unexpected day, thanks to my determination, my fight and good luck started from scratch and started working.

Believe me it was not easy. But fortunately I was lucky because I had and I have great friends who helped me.

 

But the damage I did they lived on in my head and still lives now in my heart.

You know, it is ironic see how fate always keeps an unexpected card up its sleeve. I was very surprised to meet my dead son years. I almost had a heart attack when he contacted. But I was very surprised indeed when I found out I had grandchildren … in fact, that is one of the reasons why I've been so long in hospital, my dead son is a gynaecologist is a doctor … well … And the best part of the irony was when I discovered that I had already met one of my grandchildren!

Your father is a charming man, doctor. No wonder you are so handsome, you look like your grandfather: My father.